Tag Archives: parenting

Inanimate love

Children learn to speak, they learn to love, they love to learn.

Children love to express their love, confusion and all other emotions.

Children love to let you know what they know and ask you what they don’t.

Children say ‘hello’ & ‘goodbye’ to trucks, rocks, motorcycles, and many other inanimate objects. I asked my son ‘why do you say goodbye to the cars’ he told me because he loves them. Then he told me he loved me.

I love cars too, for very different & learned reasons, but it all boils down to this: listen to a kid, learn what they love, let them tell you what they want to learn and you’ll love the world around you a lot more.

Childhood memories, remember the goodness.

Childhood memories. More difficult then remembered.

It’s a natural instinct to want your children to enjoy the activities you did as a kid right? Sure some people take it too far and force the pursuit of their lost dreams upon their offspring. Not so cool, our failures are ours, leave them alone or correct them. That being said; I see no problem in pushing our children toward goals & activities we remember being good or hold dear. As a rational adult, if you think it’s a good idea it must be.

Some things that I remember being easy as a child are in fact more difficult for an adult to master or accomplish, I suppose we could attribute it to failing mental plasticity, or the tendency of adult paradigms to complicate things. It begs the question though : how can encasing someone in carbonite be so difficult? Sure, Jabba had a giant room full of equipment and a cavernous chamber but we had a huge sandbox and plenty of H2O.

I spent hours and days perfecting this art as a child, it’s a fairly simple process: Make a sand and water slushie – dribble it all over any Star Wars figure (no need to limit it to Solo) resulting in a mummified – in fact: carbonized in sand, carbonite figure.

The problem is that achieving the perfect consistency IS HARD, you need it to be thick to completely encase the figure while remain thin enough to adhere tenaciously to the contours. I spent a few hours teaching my son this last weekend and getting that perfect viscosity of muck proved more difficult then I imagined. I finally got a very good system engineered involving a small funnel, of course water, sand and some sticks to help push the slurry through the spout.

Needless to say, my son loved it, we had a morning of fun in the sun, there were a few lessons learned about states of matter along the way. Did I over complicate the process? Quite possibly. I did however learn a thing or two about patience and diligence from a toddler.

Thanks kid.

The truth about children

Children:

They are cute. They are cuddly. They are intelligent. They are miracles. They are pure love.

The above is all true and mostly, it’s what you hear when you ask someone to describe children, their own or otherwise. Countless mentions have been made about children being the light of lives, wind beneath wings, bright star of direction and straight up reason for being. As a father of two I can attest it is all true, although not always and specifically accurate.

Undoubtedly children can also be described as: messy, stubborn & a general pain in the ass. These are less romantic and warm but also true. That being said, there are other ways we can more specifically describe kids. This article is meant to expose the truth so here it is:

Children are basically just like an adult who is an alcoholic, schizophrenic, sociopathic all around jerk.

Harsh you say? Not at all. Face it, your kids behave just like a person with all these mental diseases, addictions & personality traits combined almost all the time.

Here’s a case study:

Daddy asks son: do you want to go for a ride in daddy’s car, drive fast, and go run in a BIG store? I know its a loaded question as he loves all of these things immensely.

He answers yes. Time to get ready – INSANITY ensues: His mother attempts to put her boots on. He wants to wear them Because HE is Santa. He throws an insanely intense fit. Father explains that mommy needs her boots, its snowing and he has his own, which are even his size! He finally & begrudgingly accepts it and dons his own galoshes. Then there is a battle royale over every other point of getting into the car. Soo much in fact that the mission is totally aborted, everyone goes back in the house. Lesson learned: do NOT let the boy peer inside the garage when trying to leave, it contains sleds, bikes, trucks and other treasures. Obviously he needs to use, ride, and drive ALL of them NOW.

Back in the house there is a major meltdown because the evil parents have destroyed his life by not allowing him to go in the car, drive fast while wearing his boots, sit in his seat and go running in the BIG store.

This is totally insane on soo many levels its too difficult to describe, so I wont bother. Bottom line:

If its logic you seek & empathy or understanding you’re after, your likely not going to seek it from an insane, alcoholic, schizophrenic, drug addicted sociopath right?

So don’t expect them from a 2 yr old.

What time it is

Children’s milestones pass with the swiftness of a massive pile up at the Daytona 500, usually without the smell of fuel and the fire.

With each hurdle comes feelings of pride and sense of accomplishment along with a little sadness, these small humans grow up too fast. Sleeping arrangements definitely fall victim to these emotions: when its time for change, questions arise; The crib is a spot to chill, a place to sleep, a zone of comfort, a cage to keep them confined and a safe haven to keep them out of shitstorms all in one. So when should the small human be given a bed?

Our son has a very basic crib, we opted for this as my mother said when I was a child I had chewed through one of the lead paint covered 1970′s wooden bars on mine. So we figured, even though lead painted childrens furniture is next to impossible to source these days, we’d keep it simple and instead of getting a fancy convertible sleigh crib just do it up with the simplest Ikea one.

This also gives me the opportunity to purchase a race care bed which will be pure joy for me to buy and awesomeness for My son to sleep in. I always wished I had one of these during my childhood, which tells you something about the neglect and impoverished state I was growing up in :)

So, back to the question at hand: I may be excited to buy the race car bed and the boy will surely love it, but when is it really time to make the transition? This decision has to be governed by what is best for him, not when I feel the need to purchase the awesome race car bed. So: Should it be decided based on age? When we feel he will sleep through the night without escaping, or wrecking his room, or coming into our room, kicking me out of bed to be with mommy?

I know one thing for sure. We need the race car before he climbs out and over, falls down and busts his face.

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Christmas trees and power tools

Maybe the holiday season is about Christ, maybe it’s about presents, maybe it’s about good will and cheer to all: it’s mostly about tree’s though.

We all love having living plants in our homes. Cut flowers get you in with the wife, a nice plant gets you in with your mother in law. But what I love is the Christmas tree. When else other then christmas do we get to have an 8 ft tree in our house. It smells good, it looks cool, there will be gifts nestled under it for us, it’s obviously THE best.

There is one other reason I have such fond feelings for Xmas trees: it gives me a reason to get out the sawzall and do some cutting! Not to mention my son REALLY liked “power tool Sunday” now that’s a tradition worth celebrating.

Snickering to the oldies

There are many ways to score points with the wife; snickering while she struggles to hopelessly reason with your two-year old son is not one of them.

The mind of a two-year old cares not that mommy is exhausted and wants to get the kitchen cleaned up and go to bed, never mind that its past his bedtime and his powers of reasoning have waxed beyond their gruesomely weak normal range. As I watched the scene below unfold I laugh:

Mother is trying to load the dishwasher, baby boy is engrossed with the 2 levels of racks he’s sliding in and out, on wheels nonetheless! Then he spots the cheese grater, being unsure of its purpose, he pulls it out and exclaims “what’s dis?”

Mommy is trying to be nice but is rapidly losing it and grabs it to put it back, I snicker and explain “that’s for cutting cheese to put on pizza” now the boy decides he should crawl under the open door, proclaim he is pooping, then freak out because he doesn’t want the dishwasher door to be closed.

Really all mundane moments in day-to-day life, but I find this power struggle HILARIOUS: so I laugh. Wife is not appreciative to say the least.

So really the advice here would be: don’t laugh, help clean up. I find this impossible and continue to laugh.

The keeping Game

There’s a little known game my wife is fond of called “the keeping game”

Basically you grab ahold of someone and hug them tight, when they want to stop hugging… you refuse.  There are many incarnations of this game such as sitting on, lying on, and holding on.  I myself am not a fan.  I love getting and giving hugs, but on my own terms.  A too long hug becomes a torture chamber of sweatiness.

This game is the BEST to play with children!  They too have the urge to get away, I think it must be an inborn reflexive behaviour similar to fight or flight & moro reflex.  The difference is in the size, these lil’ns can’t get away! they have a 90% mass defecit.

Bottom line is; kids love hugs, kisses and tickles and we their parents love to give them these things.  So keep on keepin ‘em!

Here’s an instructional video for you.

Planes trains ‘n automobiles

Planes trains and automobiles

The Leap Frog bubble wash is crazy! It’s a great toy residing on my refrigerator helping us to distract the small monster while stirring up some fry. It sings catchy songs that get stuck in my head, making me swear while in My car wishing it could fly out of Toronto’s traffic jam.

This thing recognizes when there is the ass of a plane and the nose of a boat on it and sings a song about a “boatplane” The machine thinks the boatplane will not go. This is a logical assessment at first glance (or listen) but if you think outside the box for a second you’ll quickly realize it is gravely mistaken. As almost infinite online resources will prove the bush plane can and WILL go, whether airborne or skimming along in the H2O it’s all good!

I must question then the accuracy of the other claims of this wash n go machine.

A car-plane…

BOOM

A car-boat… endless examples, a good one… BOOM

A train-car.. well our good friend Jeremy Clarkson over at Top Gear managed to prove that wrong by turning the classic Jaguar XJS into a sport train… BOOM

As this fridge toy has brought me mucho help while making dinner, it pains me that I must find fault with it’s logic, but these are faults. Of course, a firetruck-car does not exist. Maybe we should get on that people, c’maaan. Either way, it’s a great helper on the fridge so thanks Leap Frog.

Logs on the floor

Running with wreckless abandon, unabashed glee and endless bounds of energy.

We lay on the bed observing the naked kid swirling around our bedroom, my wife and I smiling and laughing at the fact that this small human feels no need to be clothed and in fact prefers to be naked whenever possible.  What if the rest of us were like that I wonder.

Then, suddenly; He stops running, stands there looking bemused and staring at me.  I pry myself up from my comfy recline and approach him asking “what’s up buddy?”  - And then, Blammo, I see it, LOGS ON THE FLOOR!

He has shit approximately 3 logs on the floor, it’s like a poo poo train. Luckily the wooden floors are resiliant to this type of treatment (more on that later)   I continue my discovery to find that he is soaked in urine and has indeed stepped in one of the logs.  D Luke looks at me with expressions of confusion & concern.  I laugh and make sure to tell the boy “I’m not laughin at you, but it’s funny what you did”

This is an amazing moment in the learning curve that is the constant plight of a 1 yr old.  He has just received another lesson in cause and effect, if you crap on the floor, pee all over, then step in one of the logs, your foot feels squishy and funny & your legs are wet.

So it’s tag team cleanup for me and mommy, to the tub! get the mop! I mop the floor incessantly giggling.  Ahhh, my life has sure changed, just a few years ago I remember a similar scene, although the players were drunken idiotic adults, and my wife did not find it funny.